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Barely uses this journal anymore [Jul. 19th, 2016|11:59 am]
If you want to follow news about me, check my FA: http://www.furaffinity.net/user/bigbadbear/
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To those who can understand me, please help me [May. 8th, 2010|04:23 am]
[Current Mood |indescribableindescribable]

It's tough, it really is tough. I have two families, one that is my genetic real life one, and one that is my fellow furries/voraphiles family. Though, we all only have one mother and it appears that mine has a cancer that is going to kill her in the next few days, weeks, months....

I'm currently with her, in France, but my life is in Canada, with my wolf since a year now, where I wanted to be as it's where I have the best chances to meet and spend time with my fellow online growing family, where my job is.

My boss is very understanding and allows me to stay as long as I need here without being payed of course. Delmir, my wolf has also shown great understanding and even offered to move back to Vancouver until I would eventually come back, in which case we would both restart a new life in Montreal whenever we'd be both ready for it again. Somehow, I'm not sure it is a very sane plan.

I have taken the decision to come back on the 21st of May, but I'm not sure if it's the best decision. People around me in France seem to make me feel guilty about the fact I want to leave my mother. I admit I feel cold hearted to do it. There are two kinds of thoughts I get from my relatives and friends: either that the decision belongs to me, or that I should absolutely stay in France with my mother. I have heard nobody telling me I should absolutely go back to Montreal. Should I take the conclusion that I should stay? I also have to keep in mind that I seem to be of great help, because my father also has cancer, is old and getting weak. My 2 brothers have a job and, while they can come every now and then, cannot assist my parents 24/7.

I admit that, whenever I hear my mother manifesting any sort of pain or uncomfortableness, I feel worried and want to stay by her. I think if I went back to Montreal, I'd feel this amplified by the fact I cannot stay by her in the difficult times.
On the other side, if I decided to stay in France, I'd be leaving my virtual family, my wolf all alone with the appartment and the consequences of this could happen to be irreversible.

In both cases, I feel guilty, in both case, I will regret something. what I would regret the most is hard to define. I would like to say something like, I'm leaving for a couple of months, going to Montreal on the 21st, and then, go back after two months in France, but then, if my mother got to pass away in the mean time and I could not get a chance to be by her, I may never forgive myself about it. On the other side, if I stay by my mother and that she lasts a year or more, is it going to be sane for me?

I'm lost and while I don't expect anybody to take a decision for me, I'd appreciate some indepth thinking and advice, I really need anybody to help me with a clear objective view on this.

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My dear mother... [Apr. 29th, 2010|01:08 pm]
[Current Location |Draguignan, France]
[Current Mood |worriedworried]

I am posting this mostly for emptying my bag and to eventually get some support or advices from my friends.

I have just got back to my home country, in France, because I have heard recently my mother had cancer, and then, heard that she had a few months left... From the latest news, she won't even make it past this summer. This is a very sudden news and I had to be in France as soon as I could. My boss, very kind and understanding, offered me tot ake time off from work of as many weeks as I needed. He would eventually close my ocntract if I stay here over a month and hire me again when I'd be back.

I hopefully don't only have negativeness here in France. I'm happy to get an opportunity to relax, enjoy my friends and my family here. Also, I have found my brother's iPod Touch that I offered to him a couple years ago and that he never used, so, I'm enjoying it :) That, without talking about the good food I get here too and the very nice temperature of almost 30 degrees Celcius ^^

Aside of that, my mother is very affected, looks weak and tired, my whole family is in a weird mood and I have a feeling I'm mostly there to offer positive support as much as I can.

The hardest part for me will be to decide when to leave. It's tough because I know it would be most likely the very last good bye I would say to my mother, but she does not know... Nobody so far have told her she was doomed, I suppose, to leave her the will to fight.

I want to be back in Montreal and continue my adventure with my wolf, I have this feeling I should be in Canada, not here as it is where my life is, my work too, my new family too. Aside of that, I think it does not change much whether I stay long or not here. What mattered the most was for me to see my mother. I don't think I should stay here for months.

Now, will I be able to take the wise decision (going back to Montreal soon) or will I take the easiest one (staying and enjoying my time here without caring for my life)?

Any advice would be welcome.
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(no subject) [Jan. 4th, 2010|04:00 am]
[Current Mood |determineddetermined]

Hey there everybody!

Been a while since I posted here. So, one of my new year's resolutions is to try and keep this journal a little more active.

But in my other resolutions, I'll also try to be more active in general, like do what I am planning to do, encourage other people around me to do things as well. I am gonna get a car and I really want to use it to see my friends more.

I don't have the excuse of being new around in Montreal anymore. I wanted to establish myself and get comfortable at first, but now, it's done. Lets move on!

I'm having a nice life here and now, I need to look forward and accomplish things.

So, just to remind me later in case I forget, here is a list of things I'm intending to do:

- Have my doggie happy.
- Keep in touch with my family and friends.
- Get a fucking car!
- Go to the swimming pool: Done!
- Go skiing.
- Start a semi-serious comic.
- Help out with What the fur: In progress...
- Make another painting for the appartment.
- Work on a new fursuit.
- Get Bang (board game): Done!
- Evolve in my work place.
- Save more money (since I have arrived, my money has not really raised neither fallen).

Big list, but I am taking the challenge. If I fail by the end of the year, I will double the amount of resolutions to do for the following year o.o
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Less than 5 days before departure [May. 24th, 2009|03:50 pm]
[Current Location |France]
[Current Mood |energeticenergetic]

Here we are, right now, I'm feeling really like days are going to go very fast and Québec is really close.

Everything seems to be going the right way: the packing, the selling of my stuff, my bro is also going to be a daddy and it's a first in the family. I'm feeling less guilty for leaving my parents now, because they'll have a baby bringing youth to the family... Also, I won't be the youngest anymore.

Now, all I need is to join my doggy in Montréal, where he was eager to go first and he seems to be doing well now. All I have to do is bring my bear self and drop my luggage in the temporary apartment he has managed to find.

I already have at least one interview planned for some summer jobs. I'd like to start with something I really like such as holidays camps, being a counselor before I would start looking for a more permanent job afterward.

Anthrocon is getting close too!

Montréal seems to be quite the city to explore and I hope everything will go well.

For now, time to go back to my last week in my home country because I got a bunch of things I need to get done, which is why I think everything will go so fast I won't have time to write anything else up in this journal before I'll actually be in Canada.
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Bears are cutes <3 [Apr. 28th, 2009|11:19 pm]
[Current Mood |enviousenvious]


Sometimes, I really wonder if bears really aren't different than other wild animals.
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2 months before Montreal!! AC, Wii, Xbox, Megaman! Dog and doggy! [Apr. 3rd, 2009|11:08 pm]
[Current Mood |bouncybouncy]

Important note to understand this post well: Dog =  my real life ex pet dog. Doggy: Delmir, my mate, a furry who thinks he is a wolf x3

My excitement is growing as the final date is getting closer, but I wonder how I'll feel when it'll come to that day in regards to my relatives and family.

I'm already happy to have that time to spend in France because my plans originally weren't to go back that long in France, if at all because I was living in Ireland until this last December when I pretty abruptly decided to go back to my home country. So, it's all bonus to be taken as I was supposed to be in Ireland until my departure to Canada.

Another sad though that is growing with my approaching departure is the fact that I've left my dog at that center that keeps abandoned dogs (long story short, he was a big dog who couldn't live in apartments, has grown to be hard to contain and has become too dangerous, especially for my parents, who kindly kept him while I was in Ireland, until he could finally get his own passport. The project of taking it with me has been canceled because of him being too dangerous for my relatives. He has problems and needs a place with a big garden). Leaving for this new adventure makes me feel guilty as I feel like I have given up on my dog :/

Anyway, I have hacked my xbox and am gonna burn a bunch of games because I can't buy american games on my european xbox. That and I'm considering doing the same for my Wii x3

My flight tickets are booked as well as my Anthrocon registration. My doggy is even slightly annoyed that I have subscribed to the masquerade, dragging him into it, but I'm sure he'll love it afterward, especially if his fursuit becomes popular lol.

Only thing that needs to get booked now is the flight from Montreal to AC. Hotel has already been booked thanks to my doggy. I think he has invited a few people to share the room. I'll have to check that out with him as I have pretty much forgotten x3
Thank you doggy for having been pretty useful :) You have also bought Megaman 9 so I won't have to get it. Though, I do wonder which one is harder. Megaman 1 or 9? My doggy has never beaten Megaman 1 or does not remember having done it, so, I'd like to know the opinion of others on that matter if you got to experience them both. On my end, I have beaten 1 but have not tried 9 yet.

Thanks for reading x3
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Sometimes, life goes the way you want it to :) [Mar. 6th, 2009|12:25 am]
[Current Mood |happyhappy]

In order to announce the fact I wasn't going to cancel my plan to leave for Canada, I was so anxious about talking to my boss, just to realize how amazing he actually is and how much him and his team (his mother and his secretary) seem to really appreciate me.
It makes me feel rather bad for leaving them so fast (got that job only a month ago, but from the beginning I had advised him of my potential immigration project).

He has encouraged me to do that project if I was really attached to it and advised me that, should I ever come back to France, he'd hire me gladly again. Also, if he has too many projects, he'll give me some of those as one time contracts to accomplish.

I'm really happy to work for him and, in order to be fully operationnal to eventually work for him from Canada, I need to stay one extra month.
Thus, my departure date would be around the end of May.

Also, today, I feel really good after a pretty nice soccer game I just had with friends. Not that kind of game you have with a professional spirits that tend to ruin the ambiance, making it a rather unfriendly game. This game was intense, and a true pleasure to share with friends and I really hope I'll manage to have such experiences in Quebec. The feeling you've got after such games is really unique, having a feel like you have emptied all the stress of the week and such.

How could I not feel happy right now?

Just though I'd share it with my friends online.
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Awkward discussion [Feb. 28th, 2009|12:20 am]
[Current Mood |embarrassedembarrassed]

I'm gonna leave for Montreal in about one month and a half.

The last obstacle is my job that I need to quit before I get my flight tickets and get ready for the adventure.

Irony is at its worst though:

My boss has just offered me to go full time with him. Originally, this was supposed to be a one month part time contract. After having been seeking for jobs around my dead area for about 5 years, I finally get a very promising one right when I am getting my VISA for doggy country! (Delmir).

My problem really isn't the decision to take, which is already taken as my boss was aware, from the beginning, about my intentions to leave. Yet, he somehow hoped to convince me to stay since I told him that depending on how good the job would be, I might consider staying. It was a lie, of course... I wanted to get the job. But now, I realize he is really growing attached to me.

Today, he has been complimenting me a lot and asked me if I was alright in the company and I admit I couldn't find the words to remind him about my plans to leave... Instead, I've told him I was fine.

Now, he is turning my contract full time this Monday and I have promised my doggy that I'd talk to my boss this Monday at latest in order to advise him of my departure date. I wouldn't have imagined it'd be so hard.
On the other hand, I'm nearly sure I should also take a step back and realize that maybe my boss is just trying to save his business because losing me would just mean loss of money from having trained me uselessly. Yet, he is so friendly and the job is so interesting that I'd have a hard time giving him good reasons for me being eager to leave, except that I just want to leave France and go to Canada, which is true.

I bet I'm gonna be awkward about it and I just want it to be over with. I have my secret plan that is to suggest him to keep me hired even if I'm not working at the office but remotely from Canada. It is a website dev job, so, it should be easy to accomplish and that would be the perfect plan.

I just hope this is all going to end up without too much harm done. The only reason that could delay my departure to Canada would be if my boss wanted to take me up on that remote work proposal but might want to keep me like one or two extra months before I'd leave. I'd be ok for that because that would be a dream opportunity, being able to work with such freedom and, at the same time, getting a salary in Euros while living in a country that lives in Canadian dollars.

My plan for now is to give my best this week-end to do some extra work from home, somehow trying to prove my boss how efficient I can be without being at the desk...

That would be just perfect *crosses claws* But even if I don't get the job, I'm still fine, as long as I don't feel too guilty.
My decision to leave this job is already taken. I'm convinced if I got that one, it probably is because of the experience I have gathered within those 5 years in France and Ireland. I'm hopeful I'll get another job in spite of the current world crisis once in Montreal. I might fail, but it won't be the end of the world either.

I know it all depends on me and that it'd be hard to help me out, but if anybody got some hint for me, I'd gladly have those.
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My current thoughs and plans. [Feb. 17th, 2009|01:22 am]
[Current Mood |determineddetermined]

For those who are interested, I though I'd share my plans and how I am currently feeling about them.

I am just back from Ireland where I have moved to for over a year because of work. I got a blast over there. Nothing to see with furries or vores unfortunately, but I had a great time, found good friends and it helped me a lot in gaining confidence in travelling.

Now, I'm back in France, getting ready to move over to Canada, my immigration process reaching its accomplishment so I should be able to move over in March or April (took about two years and about 1500€ expenses!)

I enjoy my life here, in France, I have good friends and I have my family. I also have a great job that I've always dreamt to get; A job as a web developer and also a job that is very close to my home.

But now that I've been in Ireland, I feel like discovering other places. It reminds me kind of Secret of Mana, for those who know. It's a snes rpg where you can see life through the eyes of a young guy who lives in a small village, spending tiny amounnts of money to get small things. But at the end of the game, he has explored the world and that small village, even though feels nostalgic, is not the place where the protagonist has made his life.

That's why I am not intending to stay here even if the job is appealing and even if that means leaving my elderly parents. It feels like I'm gonna regret this, because my father is sick and I know that one day, while I'll be moving around the world, I won't get to see my parents anymore.
But I cannot base my feelings according to that and I am sure my parents are aware I should live my own life, even if I don't necessarily need to go that far away from them, I've decided to go over to Montreal because there are lots of thing I'm going to do there, job and leisure wise, but also because I'll get to live with my doggie, whom I want to live with.

That doggie's name is Delmir, he is a furry, a vore and so many other things. He is also leaving a lot of things for Montreal and for me, his friends and family as well as his job. But I've got a feeling that, like me he is eager to get on new adventures.

I'm looking for a good job, with good friendly and dynamic ambiance.
I'm looking for friends, furries (one thing that i can't seem to find in France or Ireland...), vores (even less) to have good time, parties and such.
I'm looking for playing some soccer too or eventually discover other local sports. But if there is no soccer there, then, I'll probably end up making my own team :)

I want to do so many things, buy and rent houses, get a real life dog and so many other things.

I think the risk of losing important things to me is big, but if there is one time in my life when I could take the opportunity to get the most of such projects, I think it's right now, in Montreal, with my doggie.

That's why Quebec, here we are!
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