|To those who can understand me, please help me
||[May. 8th, 2010|04:23 am]
It's tough, it really is tough. I have two families, one that is my genetic real life one, and one that is my fellow furries/voraphiles family. Though, we all only have one mother and it appears that mine has a cancer that is going to kill her in the next few days, weeks, months....
I'm currently with her, in France, but my life is in Canada, with my wolf since a year now, where I wanted to be as it's where I have the best chances to meet and spend time with my fellow online growing family, where my job is.
My boss is very understanding and allows me to stay as long as I need here without being payed of course. Delmir, my wolf has also shown great understanding and even offered to move back to Vancouver until I would eventually come back, in which case we would both restart a new life in Montreal whenever we'd be both ready for it again. Somehow, I'm not sure it is a very sane plan.
I have taken the decision to come back on the 21st of May, but I'm not sure if it's the best decision. People around me in France seem to make me feel guilty about the fact I want to leave my mother. I admit I feel cold hearted to do it. There are two kinds of thoughts I get from my relatives and friends: either that the decision belongs to me, or that I should absolutely stay in France with my mother. I have heard nobody telling me I should absolutely go back to Montreal. Should I take the conclusion that I should stay? I also have to keep in mind that I seem to be of great help, because my father also has cancer, is old and getting weak. My 2 brothers have a job and, while they can come every now and then, cannot assist my parents 24/7.
I admit that, whenever I hear my mother manifesting any sort of pain or uncomfortableness, I feel worried and want to stay by her. I think if I went back to Montreal, I'd feel this amplified by the fact I cannot stay by her in the difficult times.
On the other side, if I decided to stay in France, I'd be leaving my virtual family, my wolf all alone with the appartment and the consequences of this could happen to be irreversible.
In both cases, I feel guilty, in both case, I will regret something. what I would regret the most is hard to define. I would like to say something like, I'm leaving for a couple of months, going to Montreal on the 21st, and then, go back after two months in France, but then, if my mother got to pass away in the mean time and I could not get a chance to be by her, I may never forgive myself about it. On the other side, if I stay by my mother and that she lasts a year or more, is it going to be sane for me?
I'm lost and while I don't expect anybody to take a decision for me, I'd appreciate some indepth thinking and advice, I really need anybody to help me with a clear objective view on this.